What Is Business But Relationships?
Tom Valcanis
I’m going to make a provocative statement: if you work in the humanities, you are an applied psychologist. If you work in the sciences (and that goes for hands-on work), you are an applied physicist.
Of course, these claims are radical oversimplifications. If we work for ourselves, we kind of need to be both.
When I first entered the big bad world, I worked for a not-for-profit. It was a small team – about 10 or so. I was the guy running the Marketing and Communication department, grand total of one person. I reported direct to the Chief Operating Officer and the Chief Executive Officer. The CEO was almost never in the office. He was out at conferences, summits, meetings, and government pow-wows about 80% of the time. The COO was effectively running the day-to-day.
At unripe old age of about 23 and fresh out of a Masters’ degree course, I naturally knew absolutely everything there was to know about everything.
Yet, one fact eluded me: exactly what our valiant COO did most of the time.
Whenever I’d walk past her office, she’d be on the phone. She’d be on the phone, laughing like she’d rung up the Dial-A-Comic hotline. How on Earth is this productive work? I’d shake my head and return to my desk.
Back then, I only piped up to anyone unless it was absolutely necessary. A slight contradiction for a professional communicator. When I pulled up sticks and ventured into doing business for myself, the COO laid a hand on my shoulder and said in a soft, sombre tone: “It’s going to be alright.”
I think that was her way of telling me “I don’t think you have the people skills to pull this off, Tom. You may be a clutch writer, but by God do you rub people the wrong way.” I remember being reprimanded for something and glanced at the COO’s screen: an email entitled “Is Tom a sociopath?” as the active window.
As a speed reader, I read enough for my feelings to be hurt (proof positive I’m not, in fact, a sociopath.) I just didn’t communicate enough, mostly because I thought whatever I had to say was irrelevant. I couldn’t bring myself to apologise for errors, because I thought that would be too “touchy feely.” A simple “won’t happen again” would do. Introverts would look at me and say, “man this guy is a real clam.”
It took me a while to realise this, but the COO was probably the hardest worker in the entire organisation. If it wasn’t for the COO, we wouldn’t have had a thriving network of relationships. She was nurturing relationships, and she was doing the company proud with every cackle, chortle, and guffaw.
When I was invited to a conference (once), colleagues would hand me business cards. I’d throw them in a drawer somewhere and never think about them again. I really did believe (again, about 24 now) that my skills would be the razzle dazzle and I wouldn’t have to work any harder than that to get clients.
I was wrong. Big time.
So I had a bigger hill to climb: developing emotional intelligence. This was more difficult than keeping my books up to date (I’m a writer because I hate numbers), VCE exams, and asking a girl on a date for the first time combined.
Emotional intelligence doesn’t come into being overnight: it’s like a muscle that needs to be trained. It helps one to relate to oneself and thus relate to others. People are human beings and have human needs: lumping people into “friends” vs “business contacts” is what a machine does. We are much more complicated – and feeling – than that.
I’m not a psychologist by training, but I believe anyone who is in business needs to think like one at times. Sales is an emotional, not a logical process. Building trust is not a paint by numbers game. We sometimes get into business for egotistical reasons (I can do better than the other guy) but we often gain awareness along the way (My business supports an entire network supporting the wellbeing of others) or we ruin ourselves trying (just like John DeLorean.)
Michael E. Gerber in his landmark The E-Myth says that every businessperson has a manager (order-creator), technician (work-doer) and entrepreneur (visionary-creative) inside of them. This triumvirate doesn’t leave much room for a relationship builder. “To The Entrepreneur,” Gerber wrote, “most people are problems that get in the way of the dream.”
Alfred Adler, the founder of individual psychology, would say the inverse is true. People are the pathway to realising our dream: all our dreams. He once wrote that “all problems we have are interpersonal relationship problems” and our business – as long as it creates a net positive in the world – is another stepping stone aimed at solving said relationship problems writ large.
Business is relationships and relationships is psychology. Is my opening statement still that provocative? I’ll let you decide!
Books to Help Develop Emotional Intelligence
Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman (the OG, the mack daddy, the original and the best)
How to Talk To Anyone by Leil Lowndes (excellent for networking and understanding others)
The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga (Adlerian psychology for laypeople)
A Guide to Rational Living by Drs. Albert Ellis and Robert Harper (another book to develop internal resilience and equanimity)
Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman (a look at how to develop positive psychology)
Surrounded by Idiots by Thomas Erikson (how different communication styles can prevent real understanding)
About the Author
Tom Valcanis is a professional copywriter and communications strategist who brings personality and precision to every project. As the founder of I Sell Words, he helps businesses articulate their value with clarity and confidence—learn more at I Sell Words or connect with him on LinkedIn.