Why Small Talk Matters More Than You Think
On the day after Australia Day this year, we can all agree it was a scorcher.
The mercury hit 44C that day – woe betide anyone that wasn’t indoors or at the beach.
Being the weird and wonderful personality that I am (sample size n=1), I took it as an opportunity to test a hypothesis.
The hypothesis being that unoriginal remarks are the glue that hold conversations together. Here’s what happened:
I passed an older gentleman on the street. “It’s going to be a hot one today,” I said. “It sure is,” he replied. He stopped and we talked a little before we went on our respective ways.
“Today’s going to be really hot, hey,” I said to a young woman while standing in a checkout queue. “I know,” she said, “I’m going home to sit in front of the AC!”
I did this about five or six more times. No one ignored me, fobbed me off, or gave me a snarky “no s–t, Sherlock!” I shared a decent conversation with at least two of them.
Of course, I didn’t come up with this on my own. It was first “discovered” by semanticist, scholar, and former U.S. Senator for California, Professor Samuel I. Hayakawa.
In his landmark book Language and Thought In Action, he tells us people are wired towards establishing communion. To achieve this, he says, “we are careful to select subjects about which agreement is immediately possible.”
Prof. Hayakawa was a contemporary of World War II – born in Canada to Japanese parents. He worked in the United States, however.
When Imperial Japan attacked Pearl Harbor in December of 1941, all Japanese were declared enemies of the state. Spies, the public was told, might lurk behind every corner. Many Japanese were interned into camps.
In the winter of 1942, while waiting for a train in Wisconsin where temperatures often plunge below freezing, many waiting passengers were eyeing Hayakawa with suspicion. Nearby, he saw a man, a woman, and a small child taking glances at him and muttering to one another. He remarked to them that “it is too bad that a train should be late on such a cold night.”
The husband agreed. Hayakawa went on: “It would be especially difficult to travel with a small child in winter when train schedules are so unpredictable.”
Again, agreement.
After some more back and forth about the weather and trains, the man asked if he thought Japan had any capability of winning the war. He said, “your guess is as good as mine.” Hayakawa doubted the Japanese could take on an industrial powerhouse such as the United States and win. This wasn’t even an original hot take for the time – Japan was in constant retreat right up until their eventual defeat four years later.
When they lowered their guards, they even inquired about Mr. Hayakawa’s family – if they were living abroad. He said they were, and he couldn’t even hear from them. They sympathised.
Before long, the couple invited him to their home – and the station relaxed in kind.
These red-blooded American patriots, almost at the ready to turn in Hayakawa to the military police just because he looked like the enemy, were now regarding Samuel as a friend. They could trust him now. All this from a bit of small talk.
Networking Doesn’t Work Without Connections
People gathered in a room are all there for the same reason. Think of a church, think of a sports match, think of… a networking event.
We already have a point of commonality – we’re all business owners, we’re all looking to expand our networks, and we’re all interested in building our businesses.
(Oh, and we’re all members of VIP Business Network!)
If we’re hesitant to speak, finding a point of commonality can ease you into a conversation. Icebreakers imply shattering through thick walls, but it’s more than likely no one has their guard up to begin with.
- “Isn’t this venue great?”
- “There’s a lot of people here.”
- “It’s great having a pub lunch on a Friday afternoon!”
These openers all seem superficial, because they are. We don’t really know anything about our conversation partners apart from the obvious.
If you dread conversation, don’t be afraid of small talk – it’s how we establish communion and relationships to begin with.
About the Author
Tom Valcanis is the founder of I Sell Words, a conversion optimisation and email marketing business focused on clear, persuasive communication. He helps business owners articulate what they do, why it matters, and how to say it in a way that builds trust and connection. Tom’s work centres on practical messaging that supports real conversations and real relationships.
You can contact Tom by clicking on his name Tom Valcanis
Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash